Ten For Twilight

The recent outbreak of what I like to call, the "Twilight Syndrome," has left many Americans (male and female) helpless against the onslaught of cheap romance and cheaper plot advancement. To "help where I can" is a philosophy I live by, and, therefore, I've assembled this rather hodge-podge list of reasons why you should NOT involve yourself at all with any of the Twilight saga (i.e., books 1-17, movies 1 - a promised 17). I hope this comes in handy. Well, never mind. I know it will come in handy. Let's try this: I hope you have a good memory, because I'm only going over this list once. Here we go:

1. Just Feel Good About Yourself, Man! (applicable to men only) - Good and healthy self esteem demands your abstinence in regards to all things that could hinder it. Two solid hours of 100-year-old vampires with perfect bodies, faces, personalities, and the uncanny ability to snare beautiful (for our purposes, at least) teenage women - even as they admit their overpowering desire to drink their blood - isn't exactly a recipe for a very fulfilling romantic life.

2. Don't Exponentially Decrease Your Options, Ladies! (applicable to women only) - Reason # 1 involved staying away from any situation that may subject you to two solid hours of . . . let me read through that again . . . ah, here it is: "100-year-old vampires with perfect bodies, faces, personalities, and the uncanny ability to snare beautiful (for our purposes, at least) teenage women." While that may prove a disastrous session of irrecoverable time for the male members of its audience, the effect it has on the female population is (gasp!) even worse. None of us men (according to many sufferers of "Twilight Syndrome") come anywhere near the irresistible nature of Edward Cullen. Since the said character is just that - a character - I feel the need to let our female readers know that, search as they might, they won't find Edward Cullen at the Grand Teton Mall.

3. Incredible Agility, Shimmering Skin, Mind-Reading, Pale Comple - WAIT! MIND READING??! - As most of us know, Edward Cullen is a master at reading minds. Now. Let's add a few other factors together: one 100-year-old vampire + 100 years of forced celibacy + MIND CONTROL. Geeze. That does sound like an irresistible character. What? Michael, are you saying he's brainwashed Bella? No, I'm not. I'm saying there's loads of circumstantial evidence, is all.

4. Save Yourself From Confusion! (applicable to men only) - I'm sure I'm not the only guy who wakes up daily with a prayer of thanks for the fact that he is not a vampire. I mean, where in all the history of the undead has there been sufficient reason not to? At least, in regards to the dating world, of which I used to be a vital member. Now, for reasons completely unforeseeable, the fact that I'm not a vampire is counted as a social handicap. I'm thinking about applying for a parking space at the mall.

5. Don't Cripple Your Chances Of Surviving A Vampire Attack! - We've all know since we were little children that a future vampire attack is unavoidable. It's going to happen, whether we like it or not. I can see it now - a cold, moonless night, reeking with the living dead, blood puddles on the sidewalk, emergency broadcast systems activated on the radio, families torn from one another, friends and loved ones lying dead in the middle of the road . . . and the hysterical shrieks of delight and belated fantasy-fulfillment from the BYUI campus.

6. Help Out Those Publishers! - As a member of an obscure (and for our purposes, unnamed) amateur writing site, its clear to see that the Twilight Saga has started a new genre of literature - "Fantasy Monsters Who Are Misunderstood And Who Are So Friek'n Hot And How To Date Them." While this may not matter much to me or you, one is compelled to think of those poor people at Houghton Mifflin. How many letters must they write per day explaining that, slightly varied character names and vampire-traits aside, plagiarism prevents any action on their part to get your lacking novel of love and monster's blood published.

7. Are We Lending A Hand To Murderers? - Every time you read Twilight or watch the associated movies, yes, you are. Michael, that's crazy talk, it isn't true! Real quick, imagine you're a vampire. You're hungry. Girls just aren't as easy to snatch anymore! All of this "Amber Alert" nonsense and school-time seminars about stalkers. You're out of luck. Starving, but unable to die. Then you see a billboard for Twilight. "What? All I have to do is wear Ambercrombie & Fitch or Hollister and comb my hair?" Point made.

8. I'm Almost Done With This List! - That one was for me.

9. Free Your Mind! - In most cases of "Twilight Syndrome," the host is often unable to rouse any desire to do anything that isn't related to Twilight. Relationships are related to Twilight. A funny moment is "just like that part in Twilight!" An attractive man or women walking down the street is "almost as hot as Bella/Edward!" My friends, this is not the way to live life. Own yourselves! Or, if you have a helpless need to compare your life to that of a fictional character, do it with Michael Scott.

10. You've Had Ten, Now Here's Ten More!! - For our last reason, I've decided to compose another list - a list of ten things that are more worthwhile than Twilight. I hope this comes in handy:

1. Watching grass grow

2. Painting your 1986 Volkswagon Beetle

3. Playing Tic Tac Toe with yourself

4. Beating a broken drum

5.Braiding your dog's hair and giving him/her a nickname based on his/her appearance

6. Going to the movies with Michael (applicable to women only)

7. Watching Fight Club

8. Going to Alcoholics Anonymous and asking for phone numbers

9. Writing your epitaph

10. Reading a blog

Well, I hope this has helped. I know that I alone cannot cure the ills of society, but - what the heck? I gave it a shot.